When siblings clash – how to encourage harmony at home

More than half of us grow up with at least one sibling, making sibling relationships one of the most influential bonds in childhood. Yet with this closeness often comes conflict – the bickering, competition, and “that’s not fair!” moments that leave many parents feeling exhausted.

While sibling rivalry can be draining, it’s also a normal, healthy part of childhood development. With the right strategies, parents can guide their children through these challenges without constantly stepping in as the household referee.

Understanding the roots of rivalry

Sibling rivalry is rarely about one child being difficult or another being overly sensitive. Instead, it emerges from a combination of developmental stages, personality differences, and the ways children interact with their parents and the world around them. Younger children might crave connection and shared play, while older siblings often begin seeking independence and personal space. These shifts can create friction, especially when siblings have contrasting temperaments.

Experts emphasise that rivalry plays a useful role: it gives children a safe environment in which to practise conflict resolution, negotiation, and emotional regulation. Arguments and disagreements, when managed well, become valuable learning opportunities. Rather than trying to eliminate rivalry altogether, it’s more helpful for parents to understand its roots and guide their children through it with calm, consistent support.

Balancing personalities and needs

Parents often face tricky situations where one child is naturally generous and eager to share, while another prefers solitude or finds sharing overwhelming. For example, a younger child might consistently invite their older sibling to play, only to be rejected or ignored. This can feel heart-breaking for parents trying to protect both children’s emotional needs.

One helpful approach is to build a balance between shared activities and protected personal time. Allowing each child to have special toys or belongings that they don’t have to share can create a sense of security and autonomy. At the same time, parents can create structured shared activities – such as a weekly game, craft session, or outdoor adventure – that allow siblings to connect in positive, low-pressure ways.

Acknowledging both children’s experiences is essential. The older child may need reassurance that their boundaries matter, while the younger child can be supported to understand that a sibling’s need for space isn’t a rejection of them personally. Open conversations, particularly with older children, help them feel respected and more willing to engage when they’re ready. Encouragingly, many of these phases are temporary, easing naturally as children mature.

Shifting from referee to coach

One of the biggest challenges parents face is knowing when to step in. It’s tempting to resolve every dispute quickly: “Give that back!”, “Say sorry!”, “Let your brother have a turn!”, but constant refereeing can prevent children from developing essential communication and problem-solving skills.

A more effective approach is to act as a coach, guiding children to work things out themselves. This means staying neutral, remaining calm, and asking open-ended questions such as:

“What happened from your point of view?”
“What could we try to make this feel fair for both of you?”
“How can you let your sister know what you need?”

By encouraging siblings to express their feelings and needs directly to each other, parents help them build empathy and confidence in managing conflict independently. This approach is particularly important when emotions are running high. Validating both children’s feelings: “It sounds like you’re frustrated” or “I can hear that you feel left out”, can help them feel heard and reduces the intensity of the moment.

Setting clear boundaries

While stepping back is useful, parents still play a key role in setting non-negotiable boundaries. Physical aggression, hurtful language, or dangerous behaviour require firm and immediate intervention. Children need to know that their home is a safe place and that certain lines cannot be crossed.

However, for everyday squabbles, parents can begin to distinguish between genuine issues and attempts to draw them into disputes. This is especially relevant when children ‘tattle’ on each other. Instead of amplifying minor incidents, parents can gently play them down and redirect the child’s focus. Asking questions like “Is this something you two can fix together?” helps children pause before automatically involving an adult.

Navigating the complexity of blended families

Sibling rivalry can feel even more intricate in blended families, where children may be adjusting to new relationships, changing routines, or differing expectations between households. Open communication between adults, including ex-partners and step-parents, is important to ensure consistent boundaries and emotional support. Step-parents may also have different levels of closeness with each child, and acknowledging this openly can prevent misunderstandings.

Helping siblings grow together

Ultimately, sibling rivalry isn’t a sign that something is wrong; it’s a sign that children are learning how to live, share, negotiate, and empathise. By shifting from referee to coach, creating space for individuality, and guiding children with calm and clarity, parents can help their children transform conflict into connection; skills that will serve them well long beyond childhood.