Understanding your tween (9-12 year olds) for parents

The tween years are a period of tremendous growth and transition for children as they move from childhood to adolescence. This stage, often overlooked, is important in building the foundation for the teenage years and, ultimately, adulthood. 

But these years are not just significant for tweens; they also present new challenges and learning opportunities for parents. By understanding the physical, emotional, and social changes that tweens experience, parents can better support their children to navigate these years with understanding and patience (easier said than done I know!)

What is a tween?

A ‘tween’ is a child in the transitional phase between childhood and adolescence, generally between ages 9 and 12. During this period, children undergo profound physical, hormonal, and emotional changes. They’re beginning to form a sense of identity, develop independence, and test boundaries. These years are often characterised by a tug-of-war between the comfort of childhood and the excitement and fear of growing up. Parents may feel like they’re seeing two different versions of their child as they oscillate between childlike behaviour and more grown-up attitudes.

Physical and hormonal changes

Physically, tweens are beginning puberty, which typically starts around age 11 for girls and age 12 for boys, though development can vary widely between individuals. This brings growth spurts, body changes, and, for some, the beginnings of menstruation and body hair development. Hormones like oestrogen, progesterone, and testosterone play a significant role in this stage, impacting everything from physical appearance to mood regulation.

These physical changes can lead to an increased self-awareness and, sometimes, self-consciousness. Girls, for instance, might start feeling uncomfortable participating in sports due to their developing bodies. Boys might experience voice changes and a growth in muscle mass, which can lead to different mood shifts and changes in energy levels. Parents can support their tweens by being sensitive to these physical changes and encouraging a positive body image.

Emotional changes and mood swings

As tweens experience hormonal shifts, they also go through emotional ups and downs, often without fully understanding or controlling their reactions. The hormonal surges affect brain development, impacting neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which are linked to mood regulation. Consequently, tweens may swing from happiness to sadness, excitement to frustration, within minutes.

Parents witnessing these unpredictable changes might feel confused, angered or hurt by their child’s sudden mood swings. However, it’s essential to remember that these shifts are often involuntary and that the child is still learning to manage their emotions. It is as confusing and frustrating for them as for you and so tweens need understanding and patience as they navigate this turbulent time.

Navigating communication and connection

One of the key challenges of the tween years is the change in communication and connection. As children seek independence, they may begin to push away from parents, testing boundaries and forming their identities. This stage may feel like a shift from having a cuddly, talkative child to living with a reserved, sometimes moody pre-teen.

Parents can respond by adapting their approach, showing respect for their child’s growing need for autonomy while remaining a stable, supportive presence. Listening is key. As parents, we want to make things better for our children and so can rush to problem solving mode, but sometimes children simply need to feel heard rather than have their problems solved. By validating their feelings, showing empathy, and avoiding the urge to fix every issue, parents encourage tweens to express themselves and build resilience.

Create opportunities to connect – driving or engaging in activities together, like cooking or gardening, can provide informal settings for conversation, when tweens may be more likely to open up as they don’t feel directly confronted.

Boundaries, independence, and safe risks

Allowing tweens a degree of independence is essential for their development. However, this can be a challenging balance for parents to strike. It’s helpful to set clear boundaries while also granting them the freedom to make age-appropriate decisions and, occasionally, mistakes. This gradual responsibility can start at a young age with small tasks and grow into more significant responsibilities.

Encouraging healthy relationships and emotional expression

During the tween years, friendships become increasingly important as children look to peers for acceptance and validation. This can sometimes lead to conflicts or feelings of rejection. Parents should encourage healthy friendships and support their child in managing social challenges. For example, if your tween has fallen out with a friend you can acknowledge “that sounds like a hard day”, validate “it’s horrible when you argue with a friend” and support “what do you think would help?”, enabling you to explore constructive ways to resolve the issue rather than minimising the importance of the disagreement.

Sibling relationships also play an essential role. Siblings often test social dynamics, which can lead to conflict but also provides a learning opportunity. Parents can feel like they are constantly having to referee, however it can be beneficial to allow non-violent sibling conflicts to unfold naturally, stepping in only if situations become dangerous or destructive.

Embracing change with empathy

Ultimately, the tween years are a time of exploration, growth, and learning – for your child and for you. For parents, this phase requires a combination of empathy, adaptability, and a willingness to evolve along with their child. Recognising that tweens are not yet teenagers but no longer little children, allows parents to adjust their expectations and embrace this unique stage. 

Remember to also have empathy and be kind to yourself too – parenting this stage can be tricky as boundaries are pushed and we have to start to give our children more independence. It can feel like we are losing our little ones but they are also a time for building strong, trusting relationships that can carry both parents and children through the teenage years. By being there as a steady, understanding presence, parents can guide their children toward a confident and healthy adolescence. 

Written by Michelle Cooke, Child Behaviour Specialist at Parent Cloud

If you’d like support with child behaviour, you can book an online consultation with Michelle via the below link:
https://the-wellness-cloud.com/specialists/michelle-cooke